Kabul, Afghanistan. The nation of Afghanistan is rejoicing today at their leader's decision to declare war on the US. Incensed by the occupation of his country by "foreign devils" Karzai has asked the US for an increase in troop levels, but the US has declined. "President Karzai already has 100,000 US troops under his command. It's not that we don't want to help him prosecute his war against us, but we're already stretched thin, and don't have the resources to spare," said secretary of state Hillary Clinton. "President Karzai is taking an incredibly brave and principled stand, and we wish we could give him more support."
US troops stationed in Afghanistan were circumspect. "I'm not real happy about fighting against other Americans, but hey, what the commander in chief says, goes. Besides, I'm kind of looking forward to a stand-up fight, for once," said Leuitenent Commander JP Whitmore, 3rd division.
Defense contractors have been quick to assure both sides of the impending battle of their unwavering, fair-minded support. "We pledge to show no favoritism to the US troops in Afghanistan or to the US troops which are preparing to attack them," said CEO David J. Lesar of Halliburton. To so do so, he said would be "unfair to the taxpayer as much as to the troops themselves." He did add that it would be convenient if both sides of the battle would use the same logistical pipeline. "If both sides rearm and refuel from the same depot, we could see unprecedented efficiency improvements," said Raytheon chief William H. Swanson. "Getting those supply lines in place is a major headache," he added, "and we would hate to duplicate effort unnecessarily." "This is an unprecedented opportunity to show how efficent war can get," echoed GE CEO Jeffrey R. Immelt. "It just doesn't get any better than this."
Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen in a press conference this morning, "No matter what happens, we will prevail in this conflict." He continued, "They know our strengths, they know our weakness, they are highly trained and professional, just like us. We are fighting for basic human freedoms," looking confused for a moment he continued, "but of course we do not abandon our allies, especially when helping them to fight for freedom against an oppressive, imperialist occupation. Our support of Karzai is unwavering and he will be victorious with our unwavering help," pausing for a moment, "and we will also bring Karzai down without mercy," he concluded.